"the country i refused to visit"

a straight photographic collection documenting my first visit to the tranquil landscapes of Panama "the country i refused to visit" was one of many collections on display for the collaborative show between San Diego City College and the Centro Cultural de Raza known as "TEO City". "TEO", taken from Ometeotl, the Aztec god of duality, paired two vital exhibitions in neighboring galleries, honoring the complex reality of placement, displacement, and the "ni de aqui ni/de alla" aspect of many Latinx/Chicanx individuals in the San Diego/Tijuana border region.

ARTIST STATEMENT

As a child, my mother would often ask me if I would like to fly to Panama with her to meet my family there, but I always refused. I knew nothing about the country besides the fact that it was where my grandmother was from. But throughout my life, I remember the opportunities I had to learn about our history, but I always decided against it. Why would I? I never really saw myself as Panamanian, or Mexican, or even White, despite being a mix of all three.

I left my home in 2021 because I never quite felt like I fit in anywhere, not in my home, or at school, or even around my “community”. Since moving to San Diego and being located so close to the border, I started to see, through friends and neighborhood events, the connection everyone had with their culture, their family, and their home countries. Never feeling confident in my own identity, I grew resentful of the connection my friends had with theirs. But finding a new home and passionate community has inspired me to learn about my family's past. And through my friends and our shared love for photography, I began to reconstruct who I was and who I wanted to be.

I finally made the trip to visit my family in January of 2025. They welcomed me unconditionally and were incredibly happy to share their home. Therefore, “the country I refused to visit” is a thank-you/appreciation letter to my family in Panama, as well as all the friends and family who encouraged me to connect with my Latino heritage.

A mostly "straight" photographic approach, this collection of images captures the luscious green blanket of life that covers every single square inch of this country, as well as the architectural footprint created by residents dating back generations. My goal was to accurately capture the nature and structure that the citizens and natives of this country are proud to surround themselves with. These images were captured on medium-format slide film to emphasize the vibrant landscapes and the unbothered tranquility that I felt at every new location my family decided to share with me.

Gallery Installation